I Kind of Wish Anne Heche Was Straight. Then, Maybe I'd Have a Chance

Does anyone remember Volcano? You know, 1995 thriller about Tommy Lee Jones having the job of saving all of Los Angeles from a volcano no one knew about. Yep, I love that movie too. I actually like that movie for other reasons than Don Cheadle. Though Cheadle is the main reason I like movies he happens to be in.

Well, whatever, I'm not writing this about Volcano. I'm writing it about Cedar Rapids. Which, weirdly enough was released on a small scale. No big time Twilight sized theater for this one. I actually had to get in the car and drive 30 minutes (which made me late) to see this run-of-the-mill, mediocre comedy. I could have done that by flicking through my Netflix instant queue on the Wii. Back to the point, the movie was okay. It didn't do much for me. It kind of felt like those Saturdays where you sit around pondering your next move, then realize it's already 5:30 and you might as well nap in order to drink again.

Mediocre. That's where I was going. A mediocre film for a mediocre cast. The bland representation of an insurance convention shows how boring most people can be. I've been to a convention like that before. It was for my fraternity, but that is beside the point. It wasn't all fun and drinking and craziness. It was boring, lecture filled, and with too many people that actually cared about how organized the PowerPoint presentation really was.

Let me tell you. If a PowerPoint presentation is ever more than 10 slides, I slink back in my chair with a sense of utter disappointment and longing for the next episode of Veronica Mars. The movie felt like that, too. You can see that I really don't have strong opinions either way because I feel very blah after seeing it.

But Anne Heche is hot. And is it sad that that is the only really positive thing I can say about the movie? It's also true about Hung, which sucked because Thomas Jane did a terrible job of pretending to have a huge dong. Bringing me to my next point, John C. Reilly.

Who the hell discovered this guy? I am all for medium looking actors and actresses to be represented in movies, but this is ridiculous. Am I the only one that thinks he is not funny at all? I find him unappealing and laughable. Not laughable like I laugh at what he says and does, but the overall presence of him in anything I watch forces me to groan at the mere thought.

Please will someone explain what is so great about him? It goes along with my beef with The Good Girl. Who would ever believe that he would be married to such a doll as Jennifer Aniston. I need to stop connecting her to everything, but it's just impossible. It's meant to be. On a side note, Jen, I usually don't like short hair on women, but you pull it off.

This Was Nothing Like 300 or Dexter

What the hell, man? Gamer is a terrible movie. That's really the only sum up I can have. The ridiculous antics of shaky camera work and an overall confusing and all-over-the-place plot had me desiring anything but. I don't understand how they got quasi A-list people to be in this wretched thing they call a film. How did this happen? And why the hell didn't anyone tell Gerard Butler that after 300, he cannot act for shit?

So the movie goes like this (and no, I'm not lying). Butler plays a convicted death row inmate that is transformed into a real life video game character. Michael C. Hall (who I lost a little respect for), portrays the game's creator. The young kid who is the controller for Butler is a douchey rich brat who gets random foreign chicks to flash him. Butler needs to win one more battle in a Halo like style to reach the ultimate goal of "Slayers" and be released from prison. He ends up escaping the clutches of the video game to find and rescue his wife and daughter with the help of Ludacris, Alison Lohman, and that Asian kid from any movie you regret seeing. The whole thing comes to a head at Hall's home, who turns out to be not such a nice guy.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

That's it. In a nutshell, I just described possibly the most bland and un-motivating feature of my young life. I one time watched this movie called Stupid Teenagers Must Die. Yeah, lightyears ahead and better than Gamer. What is the world thinking? The over reaching aspect of trying to master visual effects such that of The Matrix and/or Star Wars brings forth another beg of mine that Gerard Butler needs to stop. I once said that after watching P.S. I Love you. Doesn't make any sense. I kind of wish 300 (which is one of my favorite movies) had never come out. Then we wouldn't have to waste our time watching this Russell Crowe wannabe make any kind of good movie. It is true that I still want to see The Bounty Hunter. But only because of Jennifer Aniston. I would watch hair growing out of a man's chest if Jennifer Aniston were anywhere near by. That'd be weird though.

Jennifer Aniston is Better Looking Than Brooklyn Decker

That's right I said it. I don't care who knows it. But the three of you reading this blog are probably going to blow out your brains because of that one statement. For those who know me, Jennifer Aniston is my goddess. She's the ray of sunshine that brightens up any day of mine. Her awkward stance and smile could possibly melt an iceberg (used that one on my high school girlfriend). The violent magnificence of true beauty brought out in this over-40 woman brings about the feelings of true victor to the average man. How could this woman overthrow a young, beautiful model? No, I'm not saying Brooklyn Decker is ugly, she's banging. But bring in the familiarity and smile of Rachel Green in the way that brings about the feelings of all I have known is true in my life, and bring out the true romantic that I find myself to be.

This isn't about me. It's about a movie. And what a movie it was. I hate to say it, Adam, please stop. The over-reaching comedies need to end. Why make it a comedy if it's always going to be about the heart? Is that what Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore would want? No. They would want invisible penguins and clowns that gobble up golf balls. They would want Steve Buscemi playing a psycho path and the hot mom from Modern Family to play the love interest. I love Jennifer Aniston. I love Adam Sandler. But Adam's movies, to me, should not be about the stars. Rob Schneider wasn't in this movie, and I feel like he should be pissed.

Where's the senseless humor? The one liners only work some of the time in this flat (no pun) excuse for comedy. Of course there were funny parts. And there were parts that were ridiculous. But the ridiculous factor from an Adam Sandler movie should be eye splitting and ear popping. Bring out the penguins. Bring out Chris Farley yelling on a school bus. Bring out Frankenstein's fat foot and bring back the true Adam Sandler comedy. Big Daddy was the beginning of this comedic downfall, but I like that movie, so we'll skip to something else.

Point being, Click and Grown Ups have been two of the worst comedies I've seen in a while. Almost as bad as Strange Wilderness. But we won't go there. Bring back the old time comedy Adam, but while you're at it, the eye candy was fine by me.

Minka Kelly Has a Weird Chin

That's it. I'm done. No more straight forward reviews. Just from the head, baby. And we begin with the atrocity we see in The Roommate. What the fuck? Why take a story line from 1992's Single White Female, or (for my peers) 1996's The Cable Guy and completely shit all over it? This movie had one good thing going for it. Good looks. Minka Kelly is probably the world's most attractive woman (Kristen Bell is right up there with her). But come on, this was horrible.





The story completely went back and forth with nonsense. Get out of here. Leighton Meester is not very good looking, which made the movie worse. There was no gore, no laughs, and worst of all, no boobs. In a movie like this, it's expected to see at least one boob. College freshmen dating frat guys? It just screams boobies! Please give me some boob. Anyway, the movie was terrible, did I mention that? My thesaurus just yelled at me for trying to find more synonyms for awful.

Abysmal? Demolishing? Tantric? Nope, not it.

One lesbian kissing scene, but the two girls involved weren't attractive. I wonder if Derek Jeter would have objected to Minka Kelly making out with a chick. Because that would be superb. The velocity of the script brought me to a snail's pace. Constantly squirming and shooshing the 4 year old (no exaggeration) sitting behind me talking to his overweight grandmother. You want to talk? Go to the fucking diner. At least there the grandma can get cheese fries while trying to justify a false life of annoying family values.

Minka Kelly is hot. Not just hot, but gorgeous. She does have this weird chin dimple thing, but I think that might add to her attractive nature. Who knows? Her looks were the only positive in a really shitty movie. Billy Zane played a creepy professor, but all I could think about was the heart of the ocean. Stick to Titanic brother. The horrendously flawed acting and plot line bring me to the point of absolute pain. Thank God I saw it for free. Horray Free Movie Tuesdays.

Rating: Terrible