What's Up Demon Lady?

I really don't even know what Insidious means. Nevermind, just looked it up. Good title. Although I think I'm saying Inception, but not getting confused just by the mere thought. Ah! Thought I heard her. It's alright. It's very rare that you get to actually see the demon(s) in a horror movie. It kind of reminded me of Thirteen Ghosts (awesome movie) in the way that different demons were represented.

A family moves into a creaky old house. Their son falls into a "coma" and weird shit starts happening. Patrick Wilson plays the dad, but he still creeps me out from being in 2 movies about pedophilia. Anyway, the plot thickens as the noises of course grow louder and longer, eventually causing the family to move. Turns out, the coma kid has an open vessel of a body and demons are duking it out wrestle mania style for the remains.

The scary parts were scary. The suspense was okay. The predictability was immense. With a Drag Me To Hell mentality, the creepy music and awkward walking spirits take you along for a ride of terror and fear. Although some of the screams fall flat, making a modern day shriek-flick is difficult. Relying on the loud music and creeps around corners comes back, but it's tolerable. I couldn't contain laughing at certain parts that probably shouldn't be funny. But I'm kind of a cynic when it comes to horror movies. I do scare easily, so it would take a lot for me to be not terrified tonight when I sleep.

I Haven't Blogged In a While

Yeah, well I've been busy. The upcoming commencement of my teaching career in a foreign land has temporarily taken over my ability to blog or watch movies effectively. I blame this on the drugs. NyQuil, DayQuil, whatever-quil. It happens. Bring it on meat brain. I did watch movies. I have watched movies. I am still watching movies. But the blogging has taken a step to the back burner as I prepare myself for transcendence into the world of education and unreal expectation.

So, where to begin? I have 4 movies to write about. Of course (if you know me at all), the genres vary immensely. I will begin with the classic of classics, Casablanca. Bring it on 1942. I find it difficult to watch a movie like this when not in a specific mood. It's a Wonderful Life is a fantastic representation of my classic movie collection, but it can still be difficult to watch those smooth talking 1940s characters such as Rick from Casablanca or George Bailey. Rick's last name escapes me at this very moment. But it was part of a deal. My friend and I each created a list of five movies we love that the other has to see. It goes along with those old arguments of “how can you say you love movies and have never seen _______________!?” You fill in the blank. And yes, Casablanca was one of them for me to watch.

A classic. That's all I can say about it. It was good, interesting. I found it insanely heroic to shoot a movie about WWII during WWII. I guess it would be like shooting The Hurt Locker and The Messenger and any other Irag War movie-type. But WWII was such an uncertain time. And to shoot it in the middle of everything, talking about Hitler and NAZIs and other parts of the war (there were other parts?) was pretty cool, especially to see 70 years after the fact. The characterization of Humphrey Bogart's character Rick was intense. I loved him. He was a drunk, a smooth talker, an asshole. Pretty much like Scott, you know, the one banging Kourtney Kardashian, but Bogart doesn't have that slimy greaseball hair and the douchebag look on his face, as in it looks like someone threw a douchebag onto his face after using it.

Moving on, here comes the weird movie. Movie #2 in my friend's list for me was Magnolia. With a star-studded cast including Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, Julianne Moore, and others, the back-and-forth movement of different people's lives throughout one dreadful San Bernandino day brings about rain in the form of frogs. This is not a literary work by me, it's true. These frogs descend from the sky in a storm of biblical proportion. I didn't really understand it, but the small stories inside the movie were pretty interesting. The movie actually had John C. Reilly playing a good part. I haven't seen that since The Good Girl. I don't really have much to say, except that the movie was long. It wasn't unbearable, but just long.

Sucker Punch. What a dumb title. Probably because everyone (including Zack Snyder) knew it would be a dumb movie. With the exception of making young girls sluttified (I don't care if that's a word, it's the correct way to describe it) and video-game like fight sequences, the movie just falls flat. Were they trying to show some king of feministic dominance in alternate realms? Was Snyder trying to show that even though young girls are cute and pretty and vulnerable looking, they should be feared and fought against? I

guess. Truth is, I don't really care. It was an interesting concept, but the story was way to intense for what the movie was. The eye candy

was nice. Vanessa Hudgens and I have kind of a relationship of her being in movies and me liking them. I'm ok with that. She was hot. And that's all I have to say about that.

And now to talk about (yes, real title) I Spit On Your Grave. A remake. From when, I don't know, go to IMDB and look it up, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, the whole reason I got this movie on Netflix is because I heard the star, Sarah Butler, on the Howard Stern show a while back and they were talking about it. Of course, she came in to the show because she's hot and was promoting a movie. Movie plot in one sentence, go: So this woman drives to an old cabin on a lake to write a novel, ends up getting raped by 5 guys and gets revenge on them by setting up Saw-like traps around the small, rural town. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Look, watching a rape scene in a movie is a really hard thing to do. Watching the innocence get pounded (no pun intended) out of a woman and her life being completely transformed forever is a hideous and disgusting sight. But the badass shit she pulled was the stuff that actually made me have to cover my eyes and cower on the corner of the couch. Sticking fish hooks in eye

lids and ensuring a man cannot blink as crows peck out his eye balls. Watching a pair of garden shears John Wayne Bobbitt a man's manhood and altogether being. Ugh, I just cringed a little. Terrible. But the movie was straight forward. I never say if I like rape movies, because I don't know what kind of speculation that would bring, but it was definitely not a movie for the faint-hearted.

So there you have it. Four reviews right there. Boom. I promise to try to keep things up to date as best I can. I still have Taxi Driver, City of God, and Synedoche, New York to watch on my friend's list. By the way, he had never seen The Goonies or Rudy. So I win.

There's Obviously Something Going On Here

What have we been talking about? Oh yeah, movies. It's funny that it's already March and I've already seen a very funny movie. It's rare for me to laugh at movies constantly, but somehow I found myself laughing quite a bit during this Farrelly Brothers rendition of Freebie Tuesday. I just made that up, but you know what I mean.

The Farrellys make it look easy to take such a simple plot line and turn it into hilarity. I don't think they're given their proper due, ever. There's Something About Mary and Shallow Hal are very funny movies. Are they plot driven? Eh, maybe Mary was. But the point is that they know how to make a funny movie without any sticking plot points what-so-ever. Hall Pass is no different.

I found myself not caring about the plot. I found myself waiting for the next funny line to come out of Jason Sudeikis' mouth. I found myself waiting for the next time they show Jenna Fischer on screen. I don't know what it is about her, but she's sassy. So here's the breakdown:

Simple plot? Check.
Good Looking people? Check.
Owen Wilson's deformed nose? Check.

What is it with that nose, man? Get it fixed. I know it's your thing, like Adrien Brody, just with less talent. I feel like Owen Wilson is trying too hard sometimes. He has that nasally(?) voice that goes along with the broken dorsum. Ah, anyway, I don't really have much to say except that it was funny. It kept me laughing, and the mushy parts were quasi-bearable. Just let me know next time when you're going to throw two huge weiners on the screen. So I can prepare myself mentally.

I Kind of Wish Anne Heche Was Straight. Then, Maybe I'd Have a Chance

Does anyone remember Volcano? You know, 1995 thriller about Tommy Lee Jones having the job of saving all of Los Angeles from a volcano no one knew about. Yep, I love that movie too. I actually like that movie for other reasons than Don Cheadle. Though Cheadle is the main reason I like movies he happens to be in.

Well, whatever, I'm not writing this about Volcano. I'm writing it about Cedar Rapids. Which, weirdly enough was released on a small scale. No big time Twilight sized theater for this one. I actually had to get in the car and drive 30 minutes (which made me late) to see this run-of-the-mill, mediocre comedy. I could have done that by flicking through my Netflix instant queue on the Wii. Back to the point, the movie was okay. It didn't do much for me. It kind of felt like those Saturdays where you sit around pondering your next move, then realize it's already 5:30 and you might as well nap in order to drink again.

Mediocre. That's where I was going. A mediocre film for a mediocre cast. The bland representation of an insurance convention shows how boring most people can be. I've been to a convention like that before. It was for my fraternity, but that is beside the point. It wasn't all fun and drinking and craziness. It was boring, lecture filled, and with too many people that actually cared about how organized the PowerPoint presentation really was.

Let me tell you. If a PowerPoint presentation is ever more than 10 slides, I slink back in my chair with a sense of utter disappointment and longing for the next episode of Veronica Mars. The movie felt like that, too. You can see that I really don't have strong opinions either way because I feel very blah after seeing it.

But Anne Heche is hot. And is it sad that that is the only really positive thing I can say about the movie? It's also true about Hung, which sucked because Thomas Jane did a terrible job of pretending to have a huge dong. Bringing me to my next point, John C. Reilly.

Who the hell discovered this guy? I am all for medium looking actors and actresses to be represented in movies, but this is ridiculous. Am I the only one that thinks he is not funny at all? I find him unappealing and laughable. Not laughable like I laugh at what he says and does, but the overall presence of him in anything I watch forces me to groan at the mere thought.

Please will someone explain what is so great about him? It goes along with my beef with The Good Girl. Who would ever believe that he would be married to such a doll as Jennifer Aniston. I need to stop connecting her to everything, but it's just impossible. It's meant to be. On a side note, Jen, I usually don't like short hair on women, but you pull it off.

This Was Nothing Like 300 or Dexter

What the hell, man? Gamer is a terrible movie. That's really the only sum up I can have. The ridiculous antics of shaky camera work and an overall confusing and all-over-the-place plot had me desiring anything but. I don't understand how they got quasi A-list people to be in this wretched thing they call a film. How did this happen? And why the hell didn't anyone tell Gerard Butler that after 300, he cannot act for shit?

So the movie goes like this (and no, I'm not lying). Butler plays a convicted death row inmate that is transformed into a real life video game character. Michael C. Hall (who I lost a little respect for), portrays the game's creator. The young kid who is the controller for Butler is a douchey rich brat who gets random foreign chicks to flash him. Butler needs to win one more battle in a Halo like style to reach the ultimate goal of "Slayers" and be released from prison. He ends up escaping the clutches of the video game to find and rescue his wife and daughter with the help of Ludacris, Alison Lohman, and that Asian kid from any movie you regret seeing. The whole thing comes to a head at Hall's home, who turns out to be not such a nice guy.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

That's it. In a nutshell, I just described possibly the most bland and un-motivating feature of my young life. I one time watched this movie called Stupid Teenagers Must Die. Yeah, lightyears ahead and better than Gamer. What is the world thinking? The over reaching aspect of trying to master visual effects such that of The Matrix and/or Star Wars brings forth another beg of mine that Gerard Butler needs to stop. I once said that after watching P.S. I Love you. Doesn't make any sense. I kind of wish 300 (which is one of my favorite movies) had never come out. Then we wouldn't have to waste our time watching this Russell Crowe wannabe make any kind of good movie. It is true that I still want to see The Bounty Hunter. But only because of Jennifer Aniston. I would watch hair growing out of a man's chest if Jennifer Aniston were anywhere near by. That'd be weird though.

Jennifer Aniston is Better Looking Than Brooklyn Decker

That's right I said it. I don't care who knows it. But the three of you reading this blog are probably going to blow out your brains because of that one statement. For those who know me, Jennifer Aniston is my goddess. She's the ray of sunshine that brightens up any day of mine. Her awkward stance and smile could possibly melt an iceberg (used that one on my high school girlfriend). The violent magnificence of true beauty brought out in this over-40 woman brings about the feelings of true victor to the average man. How could this woman overthrow a young, beautiful model? No, I'm not saying Brooklyn Decker is ugly, she's banging. But bring in the familiarity and smile of Rachel Green in the way that brings about the feelings of all I have known is true in my life, and bring out the true romantic that I find myself to be.

This isn't about me. It's about a movie. And what a movie it was. I hate to say it, Adam, please stop. The over-reaching comedies need to end. Why make it a comedy if it's always going to be about the heart? Is that what Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore would want? No. They would want invisible penguins and clowns that gobble up golf balls. They would want Steve Buscemi playing a psycho path and the hot mom from Modern Family to play the love interest. I love Jennifer Aniston. I love Adam Sandler. But Adam's movies, to me, should not be about the stars. Rob Schneider wasn't in this movie, and I feel like he should be pissed.

Where's the senseless humor? The one liners only work some of the time in this flat (no pun) excuse for comedy. Of course there were funny parts. And there were parts that were ridiculous. But the ridiculous factor from an Adam Sandler movie should be eye splitting and ear popping. Bring out the penguins. Bring out Chris Farley yelling on a school bus. Bring out Frankenstein's fat foot and bring back the true Adam Sandler comedy. Big Daddy was the beginning of this comedic downfall, but I like that movie, so we'll skip to something else.

Point being, Click and Grown Ups have been two of the worst comedies I've seen in a while. Almost as bad as Strange Wilderness. But we won't go there. Bring back the old time comedy Adam, but while you're at it, the eye candy was fine by me.

Minka Kelly Has a Weird Chin

That's it. I'm done. No more straight forward reviews. Just from the head, baby. And we begin with the atrocity we see in The Roommate. What the fuck? Why take a story line from 1992's Single White Female, or (for my peers) 1996's The Cable Guy and completely shit all over it? This movie had one good thing going for it. Good looks. Minka Kelly is probably the world's most attractive woman (Kristen Bell is right up there with her). But come on, this was horrible.





The story completely went back and forth with nonsense. Get out of here. Leighton Meester is not very good looking, which made the movie worse. There was no gore, no laughs, and worst of all, no boobs. In a movie like this, it's expected to see at least one boob. College freshmen dating frat guys? It just screams boobies! Please give me some boob. Anyway, the movie was terrible, did I mention that? My thesaurus just yelled at me for trying to find more synonyms for awful.

Abysmal? Demolishing? Tantric? Nope, not it.

One lesbian kissing scene, but the two girls involved weren't attractive. I wonder if Derek Jeter would have objected to Minka Kelly making out with a chick. Because that would be superb. The velocity of the script brought me to a snail's pace. Constantly squirming and shooshing the 4 year old (no exaggeration) sitting behind me talking to his overweight grandmother. You want to talk? Go to the fucking diner. At least there the grandma can get cheese fries while trying to justify a false life of annoying family values.

Minka Kelly is hot. Not just hot, but gorgeous. She does have this weird chin dimple thing, but I think that might add to her attractive nature. Who knows? Her looks were the only positive in a really shitty movie. Billy Zane played a creepy professor, but all I could think about was the heart of the ocean. Stick to Titanic brother. The horrendously flawed acting and plot line bring me to the point of absolute pain. Thank God I saw it for free. Horray Free Movie Tuesdays.

Rating: Terrible