The Tall Man

The Tall Man (2012) - Starring Jessica Biel

The overall concept seemed simple enough.  An original story, The Tall Man chronicles the time in which a troubled town has an epidemic of missing children.  The main character, Julia (played by Jessica Biel) awakens one night to find that her child is missing.  Her adventure brings her into a world of corruption and surprises that brings the viewer through a myriad of “what the hell just happened?” thoughts.

 

The story begins in a typical fashion, showing the old, broken town.  The pick-up trucks with rust, and the diner that has regulars calling the waitress and every other patron by their first names.  But then something happens toward the midpoint of the film.  It takes an unusual turn that has you guessing from scene to scene.

Jessica Biel plays a mediocrely over-exaggerated mother type.  The other characters blend together in a watercolor of mixed clichés and monologues.  The direction of French Director Pascal Laugier is stable, but fresh.

The Tall Man takes the guessing out of the modern crime/mystery film.  I found myself guessing so much that I decided to just turn off my thoughts and follow the story.  The ending of the film does not include a 20 minute monologue summing up the reason you just watched an hour and a half of the film.  It brings all questions to clarity through hyperbole and vision.

The film ends up on its head (meant in the best way possible) when it comes to “what happens next”.  This film will bend your mind, having you sit through the credits and possibly beyond with curiosity and a thirst for more.

Stars (out of 10):  7.5

54 Hours in Hong Kong

I can see the lightning. I can hear the thunder. For all I know, my flight will be delayed for longer than just the measly hour that was bargained for at the check-in counter. The unreal aspect of Hong Kong has come and gone. The trip is over, so why is it taking so long to get back home? Talk about a jam packed vacation, this was definitely one for the books. The first morning was a rough one. With green streaming from my eyelids, i answered my phone to a wake up call from JoJo. "you're not ready are you?". She asks with a twinge in her voice. Of course, for me, it takes ten minutes to clean up, get dressed, and grab my keys. We were off quickly, stopping for the morning joe and talking about our wacky work weekend. With excitement in our steps and sleep in our minds, we were off to a quick, 2 1/2 day adventure to a land that we had only ever heard about. There was no trepidation from either of us until we reached our hostel. After locating the woman who spoke zero English, she escorted us to a room about the size of that little crammed room in Willy Wonka. A bed, a small nightstand, and a bathroom doubling as a changing room and shower. This is what we had, but it was fine considering the amount of time we actually would be spending in the room. We embarked upon our first adventure, bringing us to a nunnery in the north part of the city. With our flight delay from Shanghai, we arrived too late and were only able to view the nunnery from the outside. "On to the street market!" we cried with hesitation in our voices. Normally, one would be excited about a market that sells anything and everything. Unfortunately, the curiosity wears off when the market is practically identical to the ones that are a five minute stroll from your residence. Still, we took to the market like savage coyotes, waving our foreign accents and even heavier wallets. Gifts were bought. Food was eaten, but the overall excitement of this new place was yet to be seen. With somewhat clean linen, we gave in to our slumber, only to be awoken with a sun-filled morning. Of course there was a plan for an amusement park. Out of pure rebellion, Disneyland was not the favored choice. After exploring parts of the city such as Avenue of the Stars and Repulse Bay, it was on to Ocean Park. A wonderful merry land full of aquatic themed attractions, hair raising rides, and lots of people, this place was way more intense than originally anticipated. With bated breath, we took to the sidewalk towards the first adventure we could find. After the excitement of the coasters, bumper cars, and endless amounts of walking had worn off, we were on our way to The Peak. Oh, what a harrowing bus ride that turned out to be. Twists and turns that left me with the feeling associated with too much tequila. Finally, at the top. Let's see everything...oh no, it's really foggy. We decide to drown our sorrows in fried food and alcohol. Hello, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company (that one's for you, Ryan). Luckily, at some point during our gastro indulgence, the skies opened and the city came into full view. We raced to the overlook terrace and stared down at this mecca of thriving life and business. After taking countless pictures that will never do the view any sort of justice, we headed back to fall to the lords of slumber once again. Day 2 was not over for me, however. I began to wander. I didn't know where to, but I just knew that there was not much time to spend here, so I wanted to explore as much as I could. After finding a bar that served somewhat cheap drinks, I wandered around a bit more. No headphones, no people, just me and my thoughts. And it hit me again, for about the 200th time since embarking upon my original Asia adventure. Holy crap, am I really in Hong Kong? A slap in the face of reality. The experiences and sights that I've been a part of still boggle my mind. Day three, where is....? It's only hard to find something when you know you've seen it a million times. That point aside, we brought our bags to the airport, dropped them off for hold at an astronomical price, and set off for this cable car thing. This was not your grandfather's cable car. A 25 minute ride through the mountains, over the river, through the woods, well you know how it goes. And it drops us off inside of a cloud. A small village housing eateries, shops, a monastery, and the worls famous 100 foot tall Buddha statue. Yes! Bring on the historical part of the...wait, it was built in 1992? It was still beautiful, at least what could be seen. After the harrowing 250 steps up, the disappointment grew when we saw that the fog would be detrimental to our view of this wonderous figure. Still, we snapped our cameras out of curiosity and jubilation. So much was accomplished in the small amount of time we had in Hong Kong. Yet, I somewhat feel unaccomplished in a weird way. Well, whatever I missed will have to be made up for at some point. The trials and tribulations of my traveling career are getting fewer and far between, at least.

Springtime in Shanghai

The colors, smells, and feel of this bustling city have grown toward the better over the past few weeks. Seeing pink flowers, purple leaves,

and green grass bring about a sense of happiness and euphoria to even the most cynically negative person. Finding solace in the colors and odors of a new season brings about new people, opportunities, and fun. In just a few short weeks of the newly turned spring, I have visited lakes, new parts of the city, and countless cheap markets peddling endless amounts of watches, sunglasses, wallets, and of course, pirated DVDs.

My spring present to myself was buying a moped. I had chatted with friends about the possibility of buying a motorized bike, but the traffic patterns in Shanghai make the helix entering the Lincoln Tunnel look like a deserted highway. With great determination, I purchased my new machine, with lock, and took off on an adventure throughout the city. The swift wind flowing into my face and the somewhat fresh air felt like a wave of new emotion and freedom in my world of being an expat in a large city. Topping out at 50km (30mph), the moped

does enough for me to enjoy myself without feeling the fear of the possibility of flying through or on top of a windshield.

Spurring from a promise made to friends, one Friday night, I left work and headed to the Hongkou Football Stadium. Here, the Shanghai Shenhua (FireFall) play their football matches. They only have matches scheduled on Friday nights and Saturdays, making it difficult for me to attend a match. However, I was able to attend. After arguing with the ticket scalper about the amount of money that would be drawn from my wallet, I entered the arena. I walked through the uncoordinated line, passed through security, and took my seat for my first ever sporting event outside the USA. Before the match, everyone stood, put their hand over their heart, and to my surprise, they sang a song other than the US National Anthem. I sat taking pictures, and it was then that I noticed two things that struck me as odd. There is no food or drink sold in the stadium. Plenty of people brought

in their own food, but the stadium is strictly for observation, and not for charging an exorbitant amount of money for a measly soda. Soon, the players took the field, and the battle commenced. Cheering, I watched the combatants kick the life out of the ball. Unfortunately, the Shanghai team lost to Guangzhou 1-0. It was a hard fought battle with lots of excitement and red cards throughout.

This spring has proven to have a lot to offer, and I look forward to the rest of the spring and eventual summer. Explorations of the city and surrounding areas is something that I have not been able to do in a long while because of the weather. Now that the weather is changing, I look forward to exploring more of the mysterious and majestic city.

Heart and Seoul and Busan

It began as any other Tuesday. I woke up with a small sting of a hangover, though I had only had a few beers the night before. The dehydration in my throat was a feeling that I did not want to carry over to Korea with me when we began our journey the next morning. The start of our trip included a run to our favorite fast food burger man, Carl. Upon departure of our beef infused eating session, Haley, Mason, Bret, and I took off for a night of very little sleep, for we had to be up for the airport very, very early in the morning. A 4:30am alarm and a harrowing taxi ride later and we arrived at the airport. Upon receiving information that Bret had gone to the wrong airport for his flight to Hong Kong, we put him in a cab as we panicked and saw him drive away. Luckily, he did make his flight.

Korea is an amazing place. There are many things that are similar and many things that are different from China. Now, remember that I've only really been in Shanghai and Beijing, two of the largest cities in the world. Coming into Seoul, another large city, I knew there would be similarities. It is a vast town with a lot of history and very few skyscrapers. It seems that Seoul's real heart lies in the expansion outward and not skyward. As we climbed to the top of the N Seoul Tower, the tallest point in the city, and overlooked the sea of white buildings and rainy day clouds, we saw that we were definitely in a new place.

The next six days would be some of the most adventurous of my young life. With barely a wink of sleep each night, my friends and I would take to the streets of Korea and find adventure in truly cultural and touristy attractions. Whether it was visiting an ancient Korean village or spending a night filled with Soju shots in a traditional Korean bathhouse (jimjilbang), the things we did stretched into long days and (seemingly) short nights. From exploring an outdoor and indoor theme park filled with rides, games, and a claw machine that could not escape my fantastic game play, we found jubilation in the broad streets and lights of this magnificent city.

The four days spent in Seoul blend together like a milkshake of culture, tradition, modernism, and fun. Though it was cold and there were small bumps along the way, we managed to complete most of our itinerary. This included witnessing the workings of the famous Hooker and Homo Hills. These hills, centered in a section of town called Itaewon, are surrounded by the US military base. I saw some of my countrymen walking in their military outfits, though they seemed a bit aloof. We experienced fried chicken and beer at a Hof. These small chicken places are scattered all throughout the country and you could not throw a stone without hitting one. That, along with finding out there is a Taco Bell in the area, we definitely ate our fill that night in Korea.

Come to think of it, we ate our fill quite a bit. We ate everything from Korean Barbeque, corn dogs, hot dogs, Mexican food, Taco Bell, Fried Chicken, and Twix bars. Yes, I found Twix in Korea, and it was glorious. Moving on, eating was definitely not an issue while in Korea. Upon our arrival in Busan, the country's second largest city, we ventured to the Jagalchi Fish Market, famous for being located right on the water and known to have the freshest fish in quite a radius. It was there that I embarked on another eating adventure. I do not know why I enjoy the glory of eating randomly weird things, but there's something about it that makes me proud of myself in a strange way. We approached two old ladies in the fish market and asked for a live octopus. The one woman stuck her hand into a tub and pulled out a squirming, slimy, gray, multi-tentacled creature from the sea. I took it off her hands and, after asking Haley to record a video, put the head of the octopus into my mouth. Now, for the more fainthearted, I will not go into extraneous detail, only to say that it did not taste very good.

Our trip to Korea was planned with an itinerary. Though we knew that we would probably not get through all of what we had planned, we did make quite a dent. We explored Seoul, Busan, and other things in between. It is difficult to sum up a visit to a whole country in six days, but I believe we did a pretty good job at it. When my co-workers and I found out that we had a lot of time off for Chinese New Year, I had said outright that I wanted to visit Korea. I would have gladly gone by myself, but I am extremely happy that I had two friends to share in the experience. There may be things that I like about Korea over China and vice versa, but I would have never known if those lands had gone unexplored.

Whether it was freezing while waiting for a bridge that would never light up, staying in a sleazy motel, sleeping in a Korean sauna, or visiting the site of the Busan International Film Festival, the experiences are too many to count. It was a trip for the books, and I look forward to my second half of living in Shanghai and all the adventures that will come with it.

Wo Xi Huan Shanghai

The title is probably wrong. I'm sure I will hear about that from someone. But in my American mind it translates to "I like Shanghai". It's a true statement, though. I find myself sitting here coming up on my 5 month anniversary of moving to this cultural phenomenon known as China. I've been told many times that Shanghai is a poor representation of true Chinese culture, but for someone like me, who had never stepped foot in Asia ever before, I have found it truly mesmerizing to experience such a cultural difference in every day life. I just realized that 5 months is not half of one year, but I count it as halfway because Chinese New Year is upon us in a few days, and we have time off equiavelent to winter break in the States.

In these past few months I have met and associated myself with so many different people. Most of them have one thing in common with me, the employment of Disney, and that's pretty much it. Never would I have thought I would travel to Korea for vacation with a Brit and an Australian. I'll get to that soon. The experiences I have had here have been numerous and astounding. I'm not going to list them all here, because that would just be a list of stuff. However, I have enjoyed my first 5 months here, and though it has been cold and rainy lately, I know that the spring season is just around the corner and those fun experiences will be had again. Though my bike got stolen, but that's a different story.

In two days I begin my Chinese New Year (of course here it's just called "new year") vacation to South Korea. Much against my mother's nightmares, I will not be embarking upon the border of North Korea in any type of capacity. I will be traveling with my friends Haley and Mason (the Brit and Aussie). We have many adventures planned for the 4 days spent in Seoul and the 2 spent in Busan. I will go into further detail upon my arrival back in Shanghai. One hint, I will be trying my hand at eating live octopus.

As for Shanghai, my job is, well, a job. There are ups and downs as there are with any job in the world. Teaching is teaching, and kids are kids, no matter where they are in the world or what language they speak. But to have good friends as co-workers is never a complaint either. The city has become my home in many ways, and I find comfort in that truth. Though it will not be my home forever, I cherish the fact that it is my current home, at least for the next 7 months. I have made friends with cultured and interesting people from all over the world. We do anything and everything from visiting the Shanghai Zoo (not recommended if you like animals), to eating street food, to shopping, to watching movies on a Tuesday night. Our lives are centered mainly around our jobs which is the usual topic of conversation at a gathering. Whether it's learning that a friend lived in a cave in Sri Lanka, is fluent in Japanese, or learning that there is yet another Canadian among us, these are people that I would have never met if I didn't move here.

New Years (of the western variety) was definitely different from the normal house party situation I am accustomed to. We got dressed up, paid a lot of money, and went to a bar on the Bund overlooking the gorgeous skyline of the angelic city. Time seemed to stand still as we gobbled down our bottomless champagne and liquor. The coat check was a great idea until everyone realized there was a terrace outside. So it was cold, but that was what the alcohol was for. As I was getting ready and tying my tie, my friend Dominic looked at me and said, "dude, does it feel to you that we are going to a high school dance?" He had a point. We got dressed up, waited for the ladies we were accompanying to the party finish getting ready while we hummed the tune of "Wonderful Tonight" in our heads, and gobbled down Subway sandwiches. After about 20 minutes of unsuccessfully finding a cab, we finally did, and from that point on, New Years was quite a blur. Now, I wasn't told this directly, but apparently I danced due to quite a bit of rum and champagne. Hence, the first time the "Alex crazy dance" was implemented into the Shanghai nightlife.

After a New Years Day full of headaches and putrid smells, it was back to work. In these past few weeks I have experienced being sick for the first time, cold and rainy China weather, and a karaoke event for work where I found myself singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart", "Firework", and "Sexy Back". After that last one, I knew it was time for me to leave. Fortunately, a week after New Years Day, I got notice from my mother that she and her friend Karen are coming to visit. That was a fantastic way to wrap up the holiday season. Now for Chinese New Year. I'm excited to have a break from work, traipse around the streets of Korea, and find these two famous "hills" that I have been told about over and over again. I'm looking forward to the year of the Dragon.

Holidays Across the World

It's a strange feeling to be around so many different people that share affinity for one holiday. Thanksgiving? No. Hannukah? Yeah, right. You guessed it. Christmas. What is this obsession about a holiday that doesn't very much have a religious base anymore? I thought the word Christ was in there for a reason. But this is not a religious rant.

This is merely a recognition of how 7 billion people on this planet all find one holiday utterly stimulating. This holiday, whether Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or Islam is no longer a day of religious celebration, but a coming together of sorts to bring families and friends to a peaceful place on this Earth.

Joyeux Noel, a 2005 film, is based on the day of Christmas Eve during World War I where a cease-fire was called, bringing together the armies of Scotland, France, and Germany. They came together to get to know their fellow men on the eve of Christmas instead of concentrating on killing each other.

So here we are, and I am sitting at my computer on the opposite side of the world. I sit here talking with Americans, Brits, Australians, and native Chinese people. During this time of year, we have one thing in common. We talk about the holidays. A fellow Jew and myself insisted on including Hannukah decorations in our classrooms. Working for a corporate American giant, we knew there would be no argument.

For me, Christmas is a time of watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story (best Christmas movie ever) and an annual tradition with my mother that I will be missing for the first time in about 15 years. That will be the hardest part. I will also miss the movie adventures with Jeff and others (after they have been doing the "family" thing). But overall, Christmas is a time for people to spend a ton of money, singers to cover the same ten songs, and all children hoping for a snowfall that will probably never come due to global warming.

The holiday season is upon us. Bring it on with shopping mall pepper spray, insane working hours, and cliche marriage proposals. Happy holidays to everyone I love. It's going to be an interesting one.

From Movies to living in China

Day 1. August 24-25, 2011

My plane from Newark to Hong Kong was delayed about two hours. I guess I found out why they put bars in airports. I met a few nice people who have traveled to China before, and they were telling me all about it. After finally getting on the plane, I was almost instantly told that I would miss my connection. Looks like I may be spending the night in Hong Kong. Oh well, another adventure for me. As for the 16 hour flight from Newark to Hong Kong, I can't really complain about the on-demand movies. I watched five movies in 6 hours. I'm sure some of my friends are wondering which movies, and without hesitation, I will list them: Limitless, Surrogates, Jonah Hex, Take Me Home Tonight, and Scream 4. Of course I have seen Scream 4 already, but you know.

Anyway, that has pretty much been my day. I shall update when I get to Shanghai, whenever that may be.

8:45pm

What's Up Demon Lady?

I really don't even know what Insidious means. Nevermind, just looked it up. Good title. Although I think I'm saying Inception, but not getting confused just by the mere thought. Ah! Thought I heard her. It's alright. It's very rare that you get to actually see the demon(s) in a horror movie. It kind of reminded me of Thirteen Ghosts (awesome movie) in the way that different demons were represented.

A family moves into a creaky old house. Their son falls into a "coma" and weird shit starts happening. Patrick Wilson plays the dad, but he still creeps me out from being in 2 movies about pedophilia. Anyway, the plot thickens as the noises of course grow louder and longer, eventually causing the family to move. Turns out, the coma kid has an open vessel of a body and demons are duking it out wrestle mania style for the remains.

The scary parts were scary. The suspense was okay. The predictability was immense. With a Drag Me To Hell mentality, the creepy music and awkward walking spirits take you along for a ride of terror and fear. Although some of the screams fall flat, making a modern day shriek-flick is difficult. Relying on the loud music and creeps around corners comes back, but it's tolerable. I couldn't contain laughing at certain parts that probably shouldn't be funny. But I'm kind of a cynic when it comes to horror movies. I do scare easily, so it would take a lot for me to be not terrified tonight when I sleep.

I Haven't Blogged In a While

Yeah, well I've been busy. The upcoming commencement of my teaching career in a foreign land has temporarily taken over my ability to blog or watch movies effectively. I blame this on the drugs. NyQuil, DayQuil, whatever-quil. It happens. Bring it on meat brain. I did watch movies. I have watched movies. I am still watching movies. But the blogging has taken a step to the back burner as I prepare myself for transcendence into the world of education and unreal expectation.

So, where to begin? I have 4 movies to write about. Of course (if you know me at all), the genres vary immensely. I will begin with the classic of classics, Casablanca. Bring it on 1942. I find it difficult to watch a movie like this when not in a specific mood. It's a Wonderful Life is a fantastic representation of my classic movie collection, but it can still be difficult to watch those smooth talking 1940s characters such as Rick from Casablanca or George Bailey. Rick's last name escapes me at this very moment. But it was part of a deal. My friend and I each created a list of five movies we love that the other has to see. It goes along with those old arguments of “how can you say you love movies and have never seen _______________!?” You fill in the blank. And yes, Casablanca was one of them for me to watch.

A classic. That's all I can say about it. It was good, interesting. I found it insanely heroic to shoot a movie about WWII during WWII. I guess it would be like shooting The Hurt Locker and The Messenger and any other Irag War movie-type. But WWII was such an uncertain time. And to shoot it in the middle of everything, talking about Hitler and NAZIs and other parts of the war (there were other parts?) was pretty cool, especially to see 70 years after the fact. The characterization of Humphrey Bogart's character Rick was intense. I loved him. He was a drunk, a smooth talker, an asshole. Pretty much like Scott, you know, the one banging Kourtney Kardashian, but Bogart doesn't have that slimy greaseball hair and the douchebag look on his face, as in it looks like someone threw a douchebag onto his face after using it.

Moving on, here comes the weird movie. Movie #2 in my friend's list for me was Magnolia. With a star-studded cast including Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, Julianne Moore, and others, the back-and-forth movement of different people's lives throughout one dreadful San Bernandino day brings about rain in the form of frogs. This is not a literary work by me, it's true. These frogs descend from the sky in a storm of biblical proportion. I didn't really understand it, but the small stories inside the movie were pretty interesting. The movie actually had John C. Reilly playing a good part. I haven't seen that since The Good Girl. I don't really have much to say, except that the movie was long. It wasn't unbearable, but just long.

Sucker Punch. What a dumb title. Probably because everyone (including Zack Snyder) knew it would be a dumb movie. With the exception of making young girls sluttified (I don't care if that's a word, it's the correct way to describe it) and video-game like fight sequences, the movie just falls flat. Were they trying to show some king of feministic dominance in alternate realms? Was Snyder trying to show that even though young girls are cute and pretty and vulnerable looking, they should be feared and fought against? I

guess. Truth is, I don't really care. It was an interesting concept, but the story was way to intense for what the movie was. The eye candy

was nice. Vanessa Hudgens and I have kind of a relationship of her being in movies and me liking them. I'm ok with that. She was hot. And that's all I have to say about that.

And now to talk about (yes, real title) I Spit On Your Grave. A remake. From when, I don't know, go to IMDB and look it up, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, the whole reason I got this movie on Netflix is because I heard the star, Sarah Butler, on the Howard Stern show a while back and they were talking about it. Of course, she came in to the show because she's hot and was promoting a movie. Movie plot in one sentence, go: So this woman drives to an old cabin on a lake to write a novel, ends up getting raped by 5 guys and gets revenge on them by setting up Saw-like traps around the small, rural town. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Look, watching a rape scene in a movie is a really hard thing to do. Watching the innocence get pounded (no pun intended) out of a woman and her life being completely transformed forever is a hideous and disgusting sight. But the badass shit she pulled was the stuff that actually made me have to cover my eyes and cower on the corner of the couch. Sticking fish hooks in eye

lids and ensuring a man cannot blink as crows peck out his eye balls. Watching a pair of garden shears John Wayne Bobbitt a man's manhood and altogether being. Ugh, I just cringed a little. Terrible. But the movie was straight forward. I never say if I like rape movies, because I don't know what kind of speculation that would bring, but it was definitely not a movie for the faint-hearted.

So there you have it. Four reviews right there. Boom. I promise to try to keep things up to date as best I can. I still have Taxi Driver, City of God, and Synedoche, New York to watch on my friend's list. By the way, he had never seen The Goonies or Rudy. So I win.

There's Obviously Something Going On Here

What have we been talking about? Oh yeah, movies. It's funny that it's already March and I've already seen a very funny movie. It's rare for me to laugh at movies constantly, but somehow I found myself laughing quite a bit during this Farrelly Brothers rendition of Freebie Tuesday. I just made that up, but you know what I mean.

The Farrellys make it look easy to take such a simple plot line and turn it into hilarity. I don't think they're given their proper due, ever. There's Something About Mary and Shallow Hal are very funny movies. Are they plot driven? Eh, maybe Mary was. But the point is that they know how to make a funny movie without any sticking plot points what-so-ever. Hall Pass is no different.

I found myself not caring about the plot. I found myself waiting for the next funny line to come out of Jason Sudeikis' mouth. I found myself waiting for the next time they show Jenna Fischer on screen. I don't know what it is about her, but she's sassy. So here's the breakdown:

Simple plot? Check.
Good Looking people? Check.
Owen Wilson's deformed nose? Check.

What is it with that nose, man? Get it fixed. I know it's your thing, like Adrien Brody, just with less talent. I feel like Owen Wilson is trying too hard sometimes. He has that nasally(?) voice that goes along with the broken dorsum. Ah, anyway, I don't really have much to say except that it was funny. It kept me laughing, and the mushy parts were quasi-bearable. Just let me know next time when you're going to throw two huge weiners on the screen. So I can prepare myself mentally.

I Kind of Wish Anne Heche Was Straight. Then, Maybe I'd Have a Chance

Does anyone remember Volcano? You know, 1995 thriller about Tommy Lee Jones having the job of saving all of Los Angeles from a volcano no one knew about. Yep, I love that movie too. I actually like that movie for other reasons than Don Cheadle. Though Cheadle is the main reason I like movies he happens to be in.

Well, whatever, I'm not writing this about Volcano. I'm writing it about Cedar Rapids. Which, weirdly enough was released on a small scale. No big time Twilight sized theater for this one. I actually had to get in the car and drive 30 minutes (which made me late) to see this run-of-the-mill, mediocre comedy. I could have done that by flicking through my Netflix instant queue on the Wii. Back to the point, the movie was okay. It didn't do much for me. It kind of felt like those Saturdays where you sit around pondering your next move, then realize it's already 5:30 and you might as well nap in order to drink again.

Mediocre. That's where I was going. A mediocre film for a mediocre cast. The bland representation of an insurance convention shows how boring most people can be. I've been to a convention like that before. It was for my fraternity, but that is beside the point. It wasn't all fun and drinking and craziness. It was boring, lecture filled, and with too many people that actually cared about how organized the PowerPoint presentation really was.

Let me tell you. If a PowerPoint presentation is ever more than 10 slides, I slink back in my chair with a sense of utter disappointment and longing for the next episode of Veronica Mars. The movie felt like that, too. You can see that I really don't have strong opinions either way because I feel very blah after seeing it.

But Anne Heche is hot. And is it sad that that is the only really positive thing I can say about the movie? It's also true about Hung, which sucked because Thomas Jane did a terrible job of pretending to have a huge dong. Bringing me to my next point, John C. Reilly.

Who the hell discovered this guy? I am all for medium looking actors and actresses to be represented in movies, but this is ridiculous. Am I the only one that thinks he is not funny at all? I find him unappealing and laughable. Not laughable like I laugh at what he says and does, but the overall presence of him in anything I watch forces me to groan at the mere thought.

Please will someone explain what is so great about him? It goes along with my beef with The Good Girl. Who would ever believe that he would be married to such a doll as Jennifer Aniston. I need to stop connecting her to everything, but it's just impossible. It's meant to be. On a side note, Jen, I usually don't like short hair on women, but you pull it off.

This Was Nothing Like 300 or Dexter

What the hell, man? Gamer is a terrible movie. That's really the only sum up I can have. The ridiculous antics of shaky camera work and an overall confusing and all-over-the-place plot had me desiring anything but. I don't understand how they got quasi A-list people to be in this wretched thing they call a film. How did this happen? And why the hell didn't anyone tell Gerard Butler that after 300, he cannot act for shit?

So the movie goes like this (and no, I'm not lying). Butler plays a convicted death row inmate that is transformed into a real life video game character. Michael C. Hall (who I lost a little respect for), portrays the game's creator. The young kid who is the controller for Butler is a douchey rich brat who gets random foreign chicks to flash him. Butler needs to win one more battle in a Halo like style to reach the ultimate goal of "Slayers" and be released from prison. He ends up escaping the clutches of the video game to find and rescue his wife and daughter with the help of Ludacris, Alison Lohman, and that Asian kid from any movie you regret seeing. The whole thing comes to a head at Hall's home, who turns out to be not such a nice guy.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

That's it. In a nutshell, I just described possibly the most bland and un-motivating feature of my young life. I one time watched this movie called Stupid Teenagers Must Die. Yeah, lightyears ahead and better than Gamer. What is the world thinking? The over reaching aspect of trying to master visual effects such that of The Matrix and/or Star Wars brings forth another beg of mine that Gerard Butler needs to stop. I once said that after watching P.S. I Love you. Doesn't make any sense. I kind of wish 300 (which is one of my favorite movies) had never come out. Then we wouldn't have to waste our time watching this Russell Crowe wannabe make any kind of good movie. It is true that I still want to see The Bounty Hunter. But only because of Jennifer Aniston. I would watch hair growing out of a man's chest if Jennifer Aniston were anywhere near by. That'd be weird though.

Jennifer Aniston is Better Looking Than Brooklyn Decker

That's right I said it. I don't care who knows it. But the three of you reading this blog are probably going to blow out your brains because of that one statement. For those who know me, Jennifer Aniston is my goddess. She's the ray of sunshine that brightens up any day of mine. Her awkward stance and smile could possibly melt an iceberg (used that one on my high school girlfriend). The violent magnificence of true beauty brought out in this over-40 woman brings about the feelings of true victor to the average man. How could this woman overthrow a young, beautiful model? No, I'm not saying Brooklyn Decker is ugly, she's banging. But bring in the familiarity and smile of Rachel Green in the way that brings about the feelings of all I have known is true in my life, and bring out the true romantic that I find myself to be.

This isn't about me. It's about a movie. And what a movie it was. I hate to say it, Adam, please stop. The over-reaching comedies need to end. Why make it a comedy if it's always going to be about the heart? Is that what Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore would want? No. They would want invisible penguins and clowns that gobble up golf balls. They would want Steve Buscemi playing a psycho path and the hot mom from Modern Family to play the love interest. I love Jennifer Aniston. I love Adam Sandler. But Adam's movies, to me, should not be about the stars. Rob Schneider wasn't in this movie, and I feel like he should be pissed.

Where's the senseless humor? The one liners only work some of the time in this flat (no pun) excuse for comedy. Of course there were funny parts. And there were parts that were ridiculous. But the ridiculous factor from an Adam Sandler movie should be eye splitting and ear popping. Bring out the penguins. Bring out Chris Farley yelling on a school bus. Bring out Frankenstein's fat foot and bring back the true Adam Sandler comedy. Big Daddy was the beginning of this comedic downfall, but I like that movie, so we'll skip to something else.

Point being, Click and Grown Ups have been two of the worst comedies I've seen in a while. Almost as bad as Strange Wilderness. But we won't go there. Bring back the old time comedy Adam, but while you're at it, the eye candy was fine by me.

Minka Kelly Has a Weird Chin

That's it. I'm done. No more straight forward reviews. Just from the head, baby. And we begin with the atrocity we see in The Roommate. What the fuck? Why take a story line from 1992's Single White Female, or (for my peers) 1996's The Cable Guy and completely shit all over it? This movie had one good thing going for it. Good looks. Minka Kelly is probably the world's most attractive woman (Kristen Bell is right up there with her). But come on, this was horrible.





The story completely went back and forth with nonsense. Get out of here. Leighton Meester is not very good looking, which made the movie worse. There was no gore, no laughs, and worst of all, no boobs. In a movie like this, it's expected to see at least one boob. College freshmen dating frat guys? It just screams boobies! Please give me some boob. Anyway, the movie was terrible, did I mention that? My thesaurus just yelled at me for trying to find more synonyms for awful.

Abysmal? Demolishing? Tantric? Nope, not it.

One lesbian kissing scene, but the two girls involved weren't attractive. I wonder if Derek Jeter would have objected to Minka Kelly making out with a chick. Because that would be superb. The velocity of the script brought me to a snail's pace. Constantly squirming and shooshing the 4 year old (no exaggeration) sitting behind me talking to his overweight grandmother. You want to talk? Go to the fucking diner. At least there the grandma can get cheese fries while trying to justify a false life of annoying family values.

Minka Kelly is hot. Not just hot, but gorgeous. She does have this weird chin dimple thing, but I think that might add to her attractive nature. Who knows? Her looks were the only positive in a really shitty movie. Billy Zane played a creepy professor, but all I could think about was the heart of the ocean. Stick to Titanic brother. The horrendously flawed acting and plot line bring me to the point of absolute pain. Thank God I saw it for free. Horray Free Movie Tuesdays.

Rating: Terrible

No Strings Attached

No Strings Attached
2011
Directed by: Ivan Reitman
Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher

The mere genre of romantic comedy has hit this level. The reality factor has always been pretty bland in the films. And to be honest, this movie was not very different. But there was some sort of truism to the fact that two friends could be lovers and whether it works or not is up to them. Now, going in, I thought the two people in the movie (Portman and Kutcher) would have been friends for a very long time. This, to me, would seem to be a little better hook. Every person has at least one very good friend of the opposite sex and wonders what it would be like if they were to ever hook up.

The answer is, it's weird to think about. How could two people that are such great friends ever be in a purely sexual relationship? Well, they can't. The humor and realism of the movie brought forth these feelings of authentic emotion and affinity. With steady laughs throughout the movie, I found myself smiling throughout.

Kutcher and Portman bring a somewhat realistic nature to their relationship, also being 2 of the most beautiful people in the business. Portman's style and glamour bring about a quirky way of beauty she pulls off with almost no effort. And, I don't really care what people say, Ashton Kutcher is cool. I forgive him for Dude, Where's My Car? but I like his way. He has a realistic way and a nice-guy type feature made for the big screen. That's all I have to say about that.

Kevin Kline plays a sinisterly funny character in Adam's (Kutcher) dad. He's an old man who used to star in a hit television show. He is a pot head asshole who doesn't seem to care about anyone else but himself. His character breaks through the wall when he tells Adam that he (Kline) is now sleeping with Vanessa, one of Adam's exes. The father-son bond is pulled tightly by the strings (no pun) in an effort to create a tension filled bucket of lies and terrible parenthood. Fortunately, the humor does not allow the awkward to take over and completely monopolize the movie. Kline is brilliantly hilarious in this portrayal.


Other than small quirks and cracks, the storyline stayed true and was pretty new and inviting. It brought the technology factor through without the obnoxiousness of dumb characters. The movie was straight to the point and I appreciated that.

Stars (out of 5): * * *

A Revamp To The System

So, because I cannot sit still for a long time without doing anything, I've decided to revamp my blog. I'm not sure how many people read it, but I'm hoping that the few that do enjoy reading my writings. I know there are matters of a difference of opinion, but honestly, that's why I believe it's interesting.

The reason I do this is to entertain myself and make my opinions known to the few people that do read what I put down on this technological page. I find it difficult to please people, so I do it to please myself.

Over the course of the next year (and possibly beyond), along with my normal write ups of movies that I see, I will be revisiting movies from the past. I may write a new review of a movie I have seen again since the first impression. I may watch a movie again from years ago and talk about the differences I found and if I liked it more or less now. There are plenty of titles I can think of that I do need to watch again. To name a few:

Gladiator
Die Hard
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Schindler's List
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Mystic River

That's not even close to all of them, but those are the ones that came to my mind, and yes, they are all on my Netflix list. Or I could probably just borrow one from a friend. Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, the reason I am doing this is because of the debacle that arose from Inception. During the summer I went to a midnight show of the film, but was exhausted from the day's work before. I did not know much about the movie and didn't know that it would take all the strength in my brain to make sense of the back and forth situations that occur.


(Photo from: thehydramag.com)


Bringing me back to my next point. The reviews of movies that I come back to will probably not be as formally written as the previous. I may just ramble and insert things about movies I have seen. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. Getting back, Inception was good. Not great, but good. After viewing it for a second time last week, I see now what the fuss is about. It was still confusing, and I did have to dig into my deep, intelligent brain to figure out just what exactly was happening. The true magnetism of the story brings you in to this world of imagination, and quite frankly, Matrixism? Sure, we'll go with that, I'm okay with it. The sheer velocity of the plot brings forth the presence of too much going on. I'm okay with that, but I feel that Nolan completely went over the top. The whole movie was over the top. With drama, not great acting, and only one action scene that was awesome which involved Joseph Gordon-Levitt floating in mid-air and mid-fight, still over the top. The deluxe grandeur of a big budget movie seemed too much for this filmmaker, and he made a very confusing, yet very (intelligent?) film. I still can't decide what I liked about it. I can't decide what I didn't like about it. To a point, it was fine. But honestly, as my brother said to me after his viewing, I don't care that much.

As for the new format, deal. Please just comment if you have an issue or like something. That is all.

Blue Valentine

Blue Valentine
2010
Directed by: Derek Cianfrance
Starring: Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling

Well, here we are. It's a new year. Meaning new movies and new reviews. I'm going to bring things up a notch or two this year. Maybe reviewing not just new movies I see, but continuing the judgment of every movie I see. Netflix is truly a beautiful thing. Adding pictures and certain details might also help in the spicing of this blogged out relationship.

Blue Valentine. One of the things I judge a movie on can be its trailer. It doesn't have to be awesome, it doesn't have be long. It just has to have that valor and sticking nature that a tease should have. Like a girl running her cool hands down a long arm, the tease should be enough to get interested and stay interested. Blue Valentine's trailer brought my attention to this film diving in to the realism of modern relationships.

(Photo from: joblo.com)

Focusing on a young couple married for about 5 years with a young daughter, this melodrama brings forth the true nature of how relationships have very high ups and very low downs. The chronology jumps back and forth from the time when they met to a point in their current relationship struggling to keep it together. Gosling portrays Dean, a job jumping non-high school graduate trying to keep his family together. His drinking is too heavy, and his jobs do not help the cause. His true nature of the character finds the audience lost in his eyes, smile, frown, and Stanley Tucci look from The Lovely Bones. Yet, he loves his daughter and his wife so deeply that he loses himself in the relationships to a point of a crumble.



Williams characterizes Cindy, a hard working nurse in a Gynecologist's office. She loves her husband and her daughter, but realizes that trying to keep them all together is nearly impossible. The film begins showing the awkwardly crazy relationship of the three people in their Pennsylvania home.

The story transcends the ultimate beauty of love and torture in a relationship. Bonds are built and broken from the shattered hearts of two individuals too damn blinded by the sanctity of their truth to one another. People wonder how love is never like a romantic comedy.

(Photo from: thejosevilson.com)

How come going to the library or coffee shop does not bring back that one true feeling? How come people have to work hard to find true love? And why do we have to work so damn hard to keep it once we have it?


The film boasts on realistic nature of relationships. Meeting someone, falling in love, being with them, and the ultimate show of affection and trust rearing its ugly, truthful head. The mind boggling connection between the two main characters in this gore fest of drama brings about the truth behind every relationship. It is impossible to be madly in love and happy for the entire course of a relationship. The problem with most romantic comedies is that they do not show what happens after that day in the park when the woman jumps in the man's arms. They do not show the toll that relationships take on people. They do not show the overwhelming frustration of wanting something, getting it, and losing it. This two hour love/hate fest brings our souls to a realistic and truthful stand still.

Stars (now out of 5, due to my overwhelming amount of time spent on my Netflix account): ***

Top 10 Films of 2010 (Part 2)

5. True Grit
Nope, I didn't think I'd like this one either. Coen brothers' movies have always been a hit or miss for me. I find them compelling, but sometimes they are just dumb (Burn After Reading, The Ladykillers). So I wasn't sure what to expect. Add in the western aspect and I was almost positive I wouldn't find it pleasing. I was proven wrong. With the quick wit of the 14 year old lead character, and the drunken nature of Jeff Bridges slurring his words, the story comes together in this western tale of revenge and murder. The plot was simple, the characters were fun and interesting, and the overall concept brought forth a positive vibe from the movie. Not since Fargo have I seen a Coen brothers' movie that created such a realistic nature. The death scenes were quick, the wit was quicker, and the movie kept me intrigued the whole time.

4. The Kids Are All Right
I had no idea what the hell this movie would be about. A friend suggested it to me. It was playing at our "local" indie theater, so we went. The story was so true and realistic to today's society that it was easy to sympathize with the characters even though most of us aren't in their situation. Mark Ruffalo plays a man who once donated sperm when he was young and money seeking. We've all been there. His "daughter" turns 18 and decides to find out who the sperm donor was for her and her brother born from their lesbian mothers. Needless-to-say it was Ruffalo, who happens to live in the same area and becomes friendly with the family. He and Julianne Moore (one of the lesbians) begin an affair when they work together and all family riots ensue. I liked this movie for the real nature of its being. The true cataclysm of the family relationship shows the realistic feel of a dysfunctional American family.

3. Toy Story 3
Yeah, it probably could have been number 1, but it wasn't. This movie was an entertainment fest. I never laughed so hard in my life, that I can remember. This is also because I sat between two of my friends who have the most addicting laughs ever. But the movie was funny all the same. The combination of the characters we have come to know and love over the past 15 years brought us back to the beginning. Making us appreciate toys when we are young, and yes, even at an older age. Some people found it unusual that a 17 year old leaving for college felt so attached to his toys from childhood. But I found it real and inspiring. All people are attached to things for way longer than they should be, and we should cherish that feeling. This film brought everyone back to the comfort zone and took an hour and a half of our lives to make us feel young once again. And it did not hurt to see Mr. Potato Head trapped in a falafel.

2. The Social Network
Yep, a Facebook movie. It happened, and it only took 7 years. Yet the making of this movie was seemingly epic, while the movie itself took us to a whole new level of modern day conspiracy and theft. Identity theft does not hold a candle to the idea of stealing someone's internet dream scape. An escape and vision of reality so true that it redefines what it is to be "online". Who's on Facebook? Everyone. Who knows what Facebook is? Everyone. Who knows where Facebook came from? Now everyone. The fight for the digital frontier is brought about in this film, depicting the treachery and blogisms from Mark Zuckerberg, founder and creator of the Facebook algorithm. Add in Justin Timberlake as Napster frontman Sean Parker and you have yourself a fantastic thing that can only be called a film for our generation.

1. The Town
It's about that time to stop making fun of Ben Affleck. I know he's easy to bash, but why exactly? Is there anything this guy can't do? "He can't act", watch Boiler Room, "He can't direct", watch Gone Baby Gone. Oh, and hey, this movie brings about both of those qualities. The guy is awesome. I don't care who it is, Ben Affleck is the fucking man. He then pulls a great move by bringing in Academy Award nominee Jeremy Renner and brings forth a phenomenal film. The film depicts a group of bank robbers hell bent on getting that one awesome heist. The vivid and emotional story line brings you into the depths of a lowly Boston neighborhood where robbing banks is as common as leaving out the "R" sound in words. Affleck stars and directs in this amazingly display of cinematic genius and prowess. Bring on the awards dude, you deserve it. Although the Academy is so crazy in love with older men getting Best Actor. Eh, maybe we'll see you with a statue in 20 years, long after Shia.

Top 10 Films of 2010

Alright, here it is. Another reason for you to bitch and moan about how I don't know anything. To be frank, no I did not see every movie to come out this year. But I did see a hell of a lot. Now, in the next week, this all could change if Blue Valentine or How Do You Know? blow me out of the water. But we'll see. This, being December 29, with 2 1/2 days of the year, I have compiled my list of the best films. It was hard to decipher through the mere entertainment of a movie (Jackass), or the true reality of what is possible in our lives (Going the Distance, Love and Other Drugs). Unfortunately, neither of these movies made my list, although they were close. But to judge, not merely on the state of a film's script, but the acting, and the overall engaging nature of the piece to bring my brain into such tranquility that it would make for a great movie. I will not supply you with full summaries, you don't read my shit anyway, but do me a favor. If you do read, give me some feedback. As much as I love being right in my own little brain, I do enjoy a nice discussion (or argument) over the validity of my selections. So we begin.

10. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Michael Cera playing awkward? NO! It can't be. Yet it is. But in this modern age re-adaptation of every video game we have come to know and love, the story debunks the true nature of the film and brings it to a whole new level. Pilgrim is a kid fighting for his love. End of story. But with Blu-Ray-esque(?) features and a plot line that is pretty compelling, this film slipped right into my list. This being one of those guilty pleasure type deals.

9. Black Swan
She's hot. That's the only thing I can think of when I think of Natalie Portman. She's Jewish? Check. She's not a tabloid sucking monster? Check check. Portman is a struggling ballet dancer working feverishly toward the top. Vincent Cassel (who is the bad guy from Derailed) brings about a good performance as Portman's douchebag of a ballet instructor. 110 minutes and many personalities later, I was transfixed by the beauty of something that would never usually grab my attention strings. The essence of ballet emits thoughts of beauty and beastry. I don't give a shit if that's not a word. You know what I mean.

8. Shutter Island
Leo's in it. That's all I know. I don't care how homo this sounds, I don't care if Leo was in a remake of Cursed, I would still see it. He's not only a generational actor for me, but someone that got me generally interested in movies. I was 11 when I saw Titanic twice in the theater (guilty). I don't think he's dreamy, he's a fucking good actor. So sue me. The book runs over the movie with an army tank, but the movie was good, too. Ben Kingsley, you still frighten me for a reason I can't explain.

7. The Fighter
Not since Fear (yep) have I seen Wahlberg in such a good movie. Who would have thought that the singer of once pop hit Good Vibrations would be in an Academy worthy movie. No, I don't think his performance was the caliber of award material. But I do find that his co-stars are. Christian Bale and Melissa Leo sink in the depths of a character only once seen before by yours truly in an unforgettable Joker played by the adept Heath Ledger. Bale and Leo steal the show in this once and fifty times told story of a struggling athlete fighting for a comeback.

6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Yes, I read them. Yes, I've seen the movies. And yes, I love both the books and the movies. Don't say you've never been interested. The writing is tailored for audiences that enjoy fantasy and magic without all the guess work. The way the JK Rowling transfixes a mind into a world unknown to the common people is inspiring. She'll refer to something in the 6th book that was barely a headline in the 2nd book. She uses her cast of characters so fine that it brings your mind to a whole new level. The movies have gone up and down in the years with the changing directors and (due to completely uncontrollable circumstances) actor changes. The first two were very good, straight forward to tell a story. The third sucked. The fourth and fifth were fine, and the sixth is difficult to judge because the book and storyline did consist of a lot of talk setting up the seventh and final year for Harry and the gang at Hogwarts. The first part of the split up last movie was consistent with the book and told the story that needed to be told. The emotions brought forth the true nature of a Potter fan. That's all I expected and asked for.

To be continued...

True Grit

True Grit
2010
Directed by: Joel and Ethan Coen
Starring: Hailee Steinfeld, Jeff Bridges

Wow. It's a word that is seldom used by me. But the mere velocity of this western brings forth the word from my lips like a stain on a coffee table left by a cold drink. What does that mean? It's a good movie, that's what. The film facilitates true grit as the title suggests by bringing forth a collection of fast-talking, gun slinging, and more balls carried by a 14 year old girl than anyone I know.

The story focuses on 14 year old Mattie Ross (Steinfeld) searching revenge for her father's death. Her father's murderer is man named Tom Chaney (not to be confused with Dick Cheney, who shoots people, too). She is on the hunt for Chaney (Josh Brolin) and hires a gun slinging, quick talking, almost in-understandable Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges). Cogburn ditches the girl and hires LaBoeuf (pronounced La-Beef? We'll get to that later). The girl catches up with the two horsemen and the 3 of them ride together towards their ultimate goal of finding Chaney. Each with their own reason for finding Chaney, the three bump heads more times that I could count. The journey ensued brings forth a sense of a willingness to reach a goal, bring about friendship through strangers, and learning that no matter what age or gender, any one can do something as long as they work hard.

The Coen brothers don't always have a phenomenal movie in my eyes (Burn After Reading, The Ladykillers to name a couple). Anyway, this movie brought back to me the feeling of watching Fargo for the first, second, and even third time. The collection of characters and actors work together well in this gritty old western first brought about by the legendary John Wayne back in 1969. The irony, however, is that the Coen brothers never even saw the Duke's version of the movie. The made a re-adaptation of the book written by Charles Portis. This made sure to be interesting as the Coens made it impossible to create a direct copy of the original film.

Going on that fact, though, how did the Coen brothers know Damon's character's name was pronounced La-Beef? Did they simply guess, ask the author (if still alive), or just want to avoid any confusion with Shia. Yeah, I said it. It's spelled practically the same way, I'm just saying. Also, I know that it is a business, but I hate when movies and studios fail to recognize the main character in a movie. Hailee Steinfeld is the main character in True Grit. End of story. The camera follows her every move, and the other characters are secondary. So, on the poster of the movie, or the trailer, why isn't she first billed? There is a system, I know that. Don't comment to me of "oh they need to show that there's big actors in it, too". Well how come Jeff Bridges wasn't first billed in Stick It? How come Matt Damon wasn't first billed in Team America: World Police? There's a false nature to this business bringing about the hard work and exploitation of young actors that boggles my mind. Hailee Steinfeld deserves a lot of credit, including a Best Actress nomination, if she is to be nominated. Not Best Supporting Actress. The only thing she supported was the rest of the cast.

Oh, and Jeff Bridges, you talk like you have a gigantic tongue and no one can understand you. Please fix it or I'll piss on your rug.

Stars (out of 10): 8